Oh, Vogue.

Nothing like some Vogue-hate to cheer me up when I’m having a shitty week, amirite. Thanks, Vogue!

Vogue 1341
I don’t get this. It looks someone tried draping for the first time and failed as hard as they could possibly fail.

Vogue 1342
True story: I check my Google search terms every day (because they are hilarious and awesome) and my very favorite one was when someone found my blog by searching “buttcrack sundress.” I always wondered what a buttcrack sundress was. Now I will wonder no more.

Vogue 1340
From the puffy darts to the shitty fit to the sad attempt at whatever is going on there with the neckline, this dress makes my heart hurt.

Vogue 1337
No comment on the dress, I just think the pose is really really funny.
COME AT ME, BRO.

Vogue 1338
Y U mad, tho?

Vogue 1347
Vogue, stop trying to make the danglies happen.

Vogue 8873
The pattern describes this as a “fitted bodice.” I don’t know about you, but nothing about that bodice looked fitted to me.

Vogue 8870
Well, that pattern placement is just tragic.

Vogue 1345
NOPE.

Vogue 8887
I actually don’t mind this get-up too much (except for that pants length… yikes). I just wanted to make fun of her shoes.

Vogue 8879
The fuck is going on here.

Vogue 8883
Vogue, what did we just talk about regarding those danglies.

Vogue 8891
The prettiest beekeeper you ever did see.

I’m noticing a new trend here, in that NOTHING FUCKING FITS ANY OF THESE MODELS. What the hell! I know that most fashion magazines pin back the clothing to make it tight on the models, but ffs Vogue you had these things sewn for you. Could you not size down?? Compare the actual pants to the line drawing here. Those are not supposed to be Hammer pants, contrary to what the photo would have you believe. I’m just… I have no words. No words at all.

Vogue, go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

NO! Bad Vogue!

Soooooo Vogue just released their fall/winter sewing patterns. (Un?)Forunately, they aren’t too bad this time around. Not a lot of snark here; these are actually pretty boring & blah and ughh I almost didn’t bother posting because I was just so fucking underwhelmed. Seriously – even Koos van den Akker appears to have left the crazy at home this time. But, I dunno, it’s a slow day & the requests have started trickling in so I’ll just consider this my Treat to y’all. No tricks, please!

One thing that stuck out to me this go-round was the sheer amount of unnecessarily frivolous patterns.

Vogue 8858
Such as… oh, I don’t know, this flamingo flamenco skirt?

Vogue 8850
Or this vintage repro – while beautiful, I just don’t see a modern woman waltzing around the office with a giant slab of fabric hanging off her waist like a forgotten napkin. Or am I just being a bitter old hag here? Maybe it’s the cheap shiny satin, but this pattern is getting the serious side-eye from me right now.

Vogue 8853
A flowy ruffled blouse with a matching flowy ruffled caplet in the same eye-bleedingly busy print? SIGN ME UP.

Vogue 8846
Or perhaps you fancy a dress with a built-in cape? It is Halloween, after all.

Vogue 1335
Buzz Lightyear, to the rescue!

Vogue 8868
I know everyone is freaking out over the fascinators, and I’m not going to rain on your parade for fear y’all are gonna eat me alive.
All I am gonna say is, it looks like the black-eyed children have finally found a way to be invited into your home (spooky link alert, FYI!)

Vogue 1334
Nothing earth-shattering here, only the most unflattering outfit I think I’ve ever seen.

Vogue 1332
REAL TALK: This straight-up looks like a vagina.

Vogue 8855
Wonderful pocket place y’all got there!

Vogue 8867
They finally did away with the randumb giant leaves this time, and instead settled on using decapitated arms.

Vogue 8869
“BLIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT- WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE, ANOTHER BONER IN THE NIGHT~”

More Vogue WTF:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

New Vogue Sewing Patterns Are Here!

Oh my god, you guys – Vogue just released their newest line of sewing patterns! It’s like Christmas in July today!!!

Unfortunately, the new line-up isn’t really fit for snark. The designs are inoffensive, rather plain honestly. *YAWN*

So instead, we’re going to make fun of the pictures! Because they are hilarious . Also there is a mysterious window.

Vogue 1316
That kind of side eye comes from someone who has been hurt before.

Vogue 1313
I’m curious as to why they decided the perfect moment to take the picture was also the exact moment the model fell directly on her ass.

Vogue 1317
Lurks McGee

Vogue 1321
Incognito McGee

Vogue 1320
Invisible Chair.

Vogue 1312
Oh, God… I can’t even… is she popping a squat? WHO DECIDED ON THE POSES FOR THESE PICTURES?

Vogue 1324
“Don’t go… it’s… it’s not safe out there.”

Vogue 1325
“Ok, hon, it looks like you’re a little too tall for the frame. Do you mind crouching down a little? I need to get those killer Payless shoes in the picture as well. There. That’s good, that’ll work. You’re a natural, doll.”

In all seriousness, that 1325 suit is pretty fucking cute:

Vogue 1318
I would love to make some type of snarky comment implying that the fan is necessary when you are wearing a stank-inducing vest made of plastic alligator skin but I think the picture speaks for itself.

Vogue 8832
For the gay pirate in all of us.

Vogue 8844
Or, if you’re a shriner, we’ve got you covered on that end too

Vogue 1322
I need someone to explain this garment to me because I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking at. Is it… a suit jacket with no arms that has magically expanded into a cape?

Vogue 8843
I just love the randumb giant leaf they chose to include in all that handbag pictures.

Vogue 8829
A prime example of a tragic fabric choice. This pattern is actually super cute; it’s just impossible to see past the shiny on the envelope picture.

Vogue 1315
This one was my favorite, which is why I saved it for last. She looks like she’s creeping around a doorway and I spent about 10 minutes laughing at when I first saw it.

It is basically Christmas today, so I suppose I owe y’all a gift of some sorts:

I hope you like it.

WTF: our new etsy shop!

my roommate/bestie & i have decided to combine creative forces & open our own etsy shop! we are planning on manning a booth at this year’s tomato art festival (oh yes, we nashvillians love our tomatoes), but we thought it wise to start early & dip our toes in, so to speak. we have named ourselves the wicked tomato factory (WTF for short!).

i made pincushions! y’all know how i feel about a good pincushion